An Incomplete but Amusing Guide to Carbohydrates


          Now I am not a nutritionist or a dietician or a magician, but I can quickly let you in on a trick that will change you from a plump chump to a yoked bloke. That was possibly the lamest sentence that I have ever written in my life but forget about it; let’s move on. What I want to talk about is the role that Carbohydrates play in relation to your body composition and the difference between a ‘good’ carb and a ‘bad’ carb. 

What is a Carbohydrate?

          Based on life experience I have found that a carbohydrate is something that tastes really good and makes you feel better when you’ve just been dumped by your significant other who you thought was your soulmate. However, in scientific terms a carbohydrate is a large molecule composed of Carbon, Hydrogen and Oxygen. A very smart person from Purdue University has indirectly informed me that ‘structurally it is more accurate to view [carbohydrates] as polyhydroxy aldehydes’. Which I totally agree with, don’t you?


          In layman’s terms carbohydrates are pretty much any food that is full of starch (a complex carbohydrate) or sugar (a simple carbohydrate). Examples of complex carbohydrates would include: bread, pasta, and rice. Examples of simple carbohydrates would be: candy, cookies, desserts and my grandmothers famous raspberry jam. Now on to the good stuff, which ones are you allowed to eat and which ones taste good?

What is a Good Carb?

          Good carbohydrates are simply carbohydrates that take the body a longer time to break down. This is because they are paired with fibre which is the portion of your food which your body cannot digest and slows the speed at which food passes through your digestive system. These types of carbohydrates can help to balance your blood sugar levels. They are not inherently different from ‘bad’ carbs, they just simply get broken down more slowly.

          The best example of a good carb would be fruits and vegetables, both are very high in fibre and provide your body with the vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients that you need to perform at a high level. This means that you will have more mental and physical energy and will therefore be better at Candy Crush, and logically girls will finally like you.

The Good List

  • Fruits and vegetables
  • Brown rice
  • Whole grain breads and pasta
  • Legumes
  • Potatoes

Fun fact: Eat these carbs and you will feel better and look like a greek sculpture, minus the frightfully tiny penis.


‘Hopefully not life size’

What is a Bad Carb?

          Bad carb? I know that it sounds like an oxymoron but bear with me as I try to explain why eating an entire cake will make you fat.

          Carbs that your body breaks down very rapidly are carbs that you should avoid overconsuming. They often are accompanied by white sugar and over-processed flours which usually taste like Jesus’ sweet beard sweat mixed with whipped cream made with Oprah’s breast milk. I’m not sure if she’s lactating at the moment, but I can imagine that if she was it would taste lovely.


‘Eating icecream while watching drone attacks; just a typical Tuesday afternoon’

           Here’s the deal: Humans crave sugar and it has many addictive properties. When you eat simple carbohydrates, dopamine is released in your brain and you feel like you just won tickets to a Lady Gaga concert. At the same time huge amounts of insulin are released in order to drop your blood sugar levels. These high insulin levels cause your body to store fat, this is not good, unless you want to be fat. When your blood sugar levels drop your evil reptilian brain begins to crave the sugar high that you just had. This causes an increased appetite and cravings for sugar. At this point you are locked in a terrible, terrible sugar addiction and there is no hope for your recovery. This is why I need to eat ice-cream every hour on the hour or else I collapse to the ground like a baby giraffe who has just been released from the womb.

          I’m not saying that you should never indulge your sweet tooth, but keep it to a minimum and you’ll be alright.

Just a tip: Avoid sweets at breakfast. You’re fighting a losing battle if you have a muffin and a double double to start your day.

When and why should I be eating carbs?

          Whether or not you are trying to gain weight or lose it you should be eating carbs with almost every meal, your body needs the energy in order to train hard and recover properly.

science muscle

‘The fastest way to get carbs into your blood stream is to pour them directly into your muscles with a beaker’

If you are trying to Gain Weight:

          Make sure that you are eating 2 fist’s worth of vegetables and 2-3 cupped handfuls of ‘good’ carbohydrates with each meal.

          After a workout it is a good idea to consume 30-45g’s of carbs in the form of a supplement (waxy maize, vitargo, or a sports drink) along with your protein. This has really helped me gain some weight and keep it on in the past. Plus it makes you feel like a mad muscle building scientist adding more than one powered supplement to your shake.

If you are trying to Lose Weight:

          Still have 2 fist’s worth of vegetables with each meal but cut down on the ‘good’ carbs to 1 cupped handful per meal.

          During a workout avoid the sports drinks and carb supplements! If you feel the need to have something during your workout try water and BCAA’s (Branch Chain Amino Acids).

        So there you have it. The good, bad and ugly side of Carbohydrates. They are not as bad as you may think, and you need them to function as a efficient enslaved robot in the economic system that our society has put in place. So get out there and eat a goddamn yam would ya?


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