Never Go to the Gym Again!

       Let’s face it. Working out at your local Globo Gym bites the big one. Mainly because it smells like farts and old people. Actually that is pretty much the only reason. Also the change room floors are usually carpeted which may be the worst idea since I invented the ‘Lid-less Blender’ (I have a few prototypes if you are interested). They are also the gathering place for the weirdest people in the neighbourhood. Now I’m not one to judge but I don’t like weird people. That is to say…I don’t like people who are different than me. That is to say…I am an asshole.

       Now after hearing these three compelling reasons not to work out at your local gym you are probably wondering ‘Mark, where am I supposed to get swole?”. The answer to that is in the place you call your home. That is to say you can workout at home.

Here’s all the equipment you need.

Pull-up Bar

       A pullup bar is really the only piece of equipment that you need if you want a manly back, biceps that threaten to pop through the trendy long sleeve button up collared fleece knit poncho thing that you just got at H&M, forearms that can double as tools you use for smashing things, abs that you can use to grate cheese with, and shoulders that look like someone literally attached cannonballs to your body.

The classic “I just crapped my pants while someone was photographing me” look.

       My brother pretty much only does pull-ups and he has the body of an abercrombie model who has hairy nipples and doesn’t tan twice a week.


       Kettlebells are the bunk beds of the fitness equipment world because once you get them you have so much room for activities!

I trust anyone with one name. Except for Oprah. She’s a sneaky little devil. 

       Squats, presses, swings, dead lifts, turkish get ups, lunges, and of course bicep curls are all possible with these handy little implements and if you get a few you won’t regret it and will probably get more fit just by looking at them.


       Someone stole my rings from the last gym I worked at and I am still bitter about it. I mean who steals a mans gymnastic rings? How the hell am I supposed to get my routine ready for nationals this summer? 

Gymnastics are totally lame. I mean why would any guy want to do them? So lame. 

       Long story short attach your rings to your newly acquired pull-up bar and preform rows, pushups, and basically any exercise you would do with a TRX but you don’t look like a dink doing it. Instead you look like a 9 year old girl.

       I loved my rings and they made me strong. They will make you strong as well.

       So there you have it. You simply need to purchase three items in order to avoid laying down on a workout bench covered in another mans sweat. Also you won’t have to look at naked dudes in the locker room. Also, you won’t have to smell anyones body odour but your own sweet, sweet aroma. Also, you can workout naked or in an offensive T-shirt. Also, you can yell all the good swear words as loud as you want. Also, you can cry silently while brushing your teeth mouthing ‘I did my best’ over and over again. Too personal? Probably.


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