Excuses Make Me Sick

       Excuses make me sick. This is not an exaggeration. I am not trying evoke physical sensations in you as you read this. Excuses literally make me want to puke.

       Whenever I make one: “I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough, That’s not for me, I don’t have enough time, I’m too tired, I don’t have the right genes, I don’t know how”, I feel as if whatever is sitting in my stomach is churning around like an overloaded washing machine. My body physically feels weakened. My mouth gets dry. My palms get damp.

       The feeling moves creeps quickly into my chest, tightening around me like a vice, squeezing the breath out of me in a moment, tightening my neck and shoulders against the physical blow that never comes.

       My breath gets more shallow. I feel the strength draining from my hands. I am no longer a hunter. I am prey being stalked by something more evil and even more insatiable than I can ever imagine.

       It never reveals itself to me. But I can feel it. It hides in the shadows. I can sense it. I can feel it’s eyes on me. Watching. Judging. Laughing.

       I feel it the most when I am mean to someone else. I feel it taking hold when I judge someone. I feel it grab my stomach when I get jealous of a friend. I feel it when I am lying in bed at night and my thoughts are not guarded and influenced by the positivity that I attempt to cultivate during the daylight hours.

       I feel it at these times because the thing that watches from the shadows is me. The thing I am afraid of is myself. Only I know how weak I can be. I know because of the excuses I make. This is why they make me sick. They make me sick because I also know how strong I can be. They make me feel sick because I know that millions of people have, are and will still go through trials that make mine seem laughable. However, if I do not strive to be the version of myself that I know I can be than I am wasting my time.

       Excuses should make you sick. That feeling is a warning that you should not go down without a fight. That feeling is telling you something. Listen to it. See what happens.

       That feeling goes away when I am focused on my goals. I don’t notice it when I am learning. I can’t feel it when I am having fun, when I am physically exerting myself. I have control over it when I am starting to explore what I have become and realizing that I have control over my destiny.

       I have started to love feeling sick when I make excuses. You want to know why? Because I know that it means that I haven’t given in to them.

       I’ll be worried when I start feeling comfortable with my excuses.

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