Look Good in a Suit 101

       A lot of people I know are starting to reach that stage in their lives where they have to wear suits to work. It seems like it really sucks. However I have to admit that when the occasion presents itself and I am obligated to put one on I feel like Jason Statham that one time he  was driving a car and then all of a sudden he was in a crazy high speed chase and there is a really hot girl with him and he is all badass and stuff. I can’t remember which movie it is though…oh wait…all of them. 

Prettay prettay prettay good. 

       I have heard that you can put a pig in a suit, and it may be the fanciest pig out there, but it’s still a pig. I think that means that if you are out of shape even if you’re wearing a suit you are still a fat pig. That probably seems really rude. But I’m wearing a suit right now so I don’t have to listen to the opinions of peasants such as yourselves.


That actually looks pretty damn fancy

       If you are thinking to yourself “Mark just called me a pig and I want to know how to not be a pig” you are in luck, Mark in the future, because I am going to let you know how to look dashing and manly in a suit. Thanks Mark in the past!

       I know nothing about how to fit a suit, or shoe/belt combos, or what button to undo, or whether to use a pocket square or not.  What I am going to tell you is how to chisel a muscle robot out of the mountain of fat that you call your torso.


       Most of us are not blessed with shoulders that are the size of cannonballs. We have to work on them. Those of us that are blessed, well you can crawl back into the steroid infused primordial ooze that spawned the likes of Arnold and Ronnie, and kick a rock. 

       If you have broad shoulders you are going to cast an imposing presence in your brand new suit. Women will fawn over you, people will ask you for jobs, and your Grandma will pinch your cheeks and tell you to eat more because you look skinny. I’m swole Grandma leave me alone! Tell her Mom! Tell her that I’m swole!

Jason put his elbow too close to a candle so now he is lightly blowing on it to ease the pain. 

      My favourite exercises for big ass shoulders are Dumbell Shoulder Press, Handstand Pushups if you can do them, and standard pushups if you can’t.

       I would suggest destroying your shoulders at the end of a workout using this wicked finisher concocted by the mind of Joe Defranco.


       Just a sidenote. This shoulder shocker routine is not an entire workout. This is to be done at the end of a workout, usually after chest and back, and will not suffice on it’s own. It will, if done correctly, make you cry like a little baby monkey that is terrifyingly lifelike and has learned to use tools and problem solve. 


       Having a small chest is not going to put the fear of God into that new intern. Having a big chest probably won’t either, but it will definitely make him think twice about having a classic, ‘Whose Chest is Bigger?’ contest with you on casual friday.

       Henry Cavill of Superman fame is living proof that having a slab of meat stuck on your chest is going to make you look like Clark Kent the next time you throw on a suit and tie. Either that or you can decide not to work out your chest and look like Justin Bieber or that fat guy from The Office. Your choice.

This is how I look after realizing that I just hung up laundry in the backyard even though I have a dryer and it’s raining out. 

       Here are two of my favorite chest exercises. Hugging and Cable Chest Flys.

       I mostly just hug and do pushups and I’ve been doing fine with just that, but Cable Chest Flys when mixed into a routine that has some heavy benching and bodyweight work is the icing on the cake.


       Now working out your back may seem stupid because A. You can’t see your back in the mirror and B. Because you can’t ever see your back, it does not exist, and even if it does exist it cannot be trusted.

       These are excellent reasons and ones that I mulled over for many days before realizing that I was being obnoxious and ignorant, which are two of my most valued traits.

       If you want your side profile to look like a piece of paper with two honey roasted hams tapped to it than don’t work out your back.

Not sure what is happening here but it looks like its in Trap City…bitch

       If you want to look like a thick ass mofo who can and will pick up the copier to threaten the new intern than workout your back.

       Having a strong back is also going to improve your posture. If I have learned anything from all the book reading I do it’s that if I stand up straight, smile, shake hands firmly, look people in the eye and arrive 5 minutes early I will be wealthy, successful and have the woman of my dreams…still waiting but it’s gonna happen I can feel it in my bones!

How all business deals go down, or so I’ve heard.     

         Anyways. Here are the two exercises to add yo your routine for a back that would make one of the greek gods jealous. Can’t remember his name at the moment. Google is so far away.

       Dumbell Rows and Pullups. Do lots of them.

Not Legs…ever

       Maybe workout dat ass every now and then, but otherwise there is no need to squat, do lunges, or dead-lifts if you want to look like a boss in a tux. Mostly having big legs will make you look like a Gorilla who managed to put on a pair of pants but who will be smearing feces all over the walls in a matter of minutes.

       As always I hope that this has been informative and educational. If you have any questions comments or insults to hurl in my general direction…give’r

       Good Luck.


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